Deconstructing Doldrums Detours Depression

Merchandising plug here & here

It took me almost 8 years before I resumed this blog. It was a slow spiral downwards during most of those years. What got me through was my aversion to the doldrums I imagined behind the image of a person depressed being a person in the dark, doing nothing. So conversely, I decided to actively and aggressively avoid the cliche.

I was disenfranchised from family. So I started socialising more than a confirmed wallflower like me would ever have. And I found that folks who have no idea of my background or my baggage would take to me quite easily, and have me in their fold almost instantly. That eventually led to me taking my guitars out of their cases and getting the strings ready with the right action to rock. And it was a matter of time before I’d spend weekdays learning stuff for weekend jams at the various clubs and events I get invited to. I even got to have my own band. Nicrophenia.

I would make promotional flyers as if they were live album covers.

And this was with a background of failing finances, fading funds and a barely progressing professional practice. But I had those moments on stage, no matter how fleeting, giving me enough of a rush to keep my nervous system balanced for other responsibilities along with their difficulties.

And things just kept getting worse. Soon I needed a new up to keep me going. This time it was going to be working on my physical self. So as the spiral winded further downwards, I started HIIT, jogging, understood ketosis, autophagy, even quit smoking after having started again a couple of years earlier.

I just love it when commitment brings about the desired results

And I feel to be in a better place than I’ve ever been. Have things got better around me? Not really. But my attitude towards them have. And with that, their nature transformed within my perspective. They’re no longer as intimidating. Nor are things as hopeless as they once appeared to be. Because I refuse to be helpless. And the first help I reached out for was from me.

I Live Behind My Eyes

I hear myself having to explain that ever so often. For instance, on vanity. I don’t know how vanity about personal looks could be a thing. I go about the days not knowing how I appear to others because I live behind my eyes. I do not know what I look like. And when I do get to look at an inverted image of myself in the mirror, I’d try to improve to look as good as I imagine the perfect passport photo would look like. The moment I leave the glance, I feel the forces around me shifting and crumpling things out of place. And I’d go on with only a past recent impression of what I look like, but can never be sure. Because I live behind my eyes. I do not see what others see about me.

When I realise that I am going against advice I dish out to others, it’s because I can only see others at fault. But not myself with the same fault. Because I live behind my eyes. I can see what I don’t like in the action of others. While being oblivious that I am prone to the same actions and expressions myself. When I come across self-improvement tips, a few names that could benefit from such knowledge easily come to mind. But I’m not on the list. Because I never see myself with similar shortcomings. Only others. Always others. Never me.

Stop The Press!

Watched a YouTube vid on Quantity over Quality. My personal reading of it would be about how to not just be overly concerned about always producing quality. But constantly produce quantity. Somehow the quality within will shine for itself. And of course, quantity sharpens the skills exponentially.

Along with that, I read about the infinite monkey theorem this morning. [Though I’m not entirely certain why I feel that relates to this.] And immediately it was STOP THE PRESS! Literally! And painted this out on my iPad without overthinking, double-guessing or just plain-assuming.

I‘m the caffeinator with my little percolator


Ever had an epiphany of something you’ve known all along suddenly creeping out of your subconscious to tap on the conscious to remind you of itself? Mine most recent was in the form of a re-realisation how reading has allowed us to think, imagine, and get past our immediate surroundings. Even if we have constant connections to the outer world through electronic devices, we’d still be dealing with a mindset that’s formed and shaped by our immediate vicinity. Unless we expand our minds to what is available beyond. And best to me is with books. It brings about internal dialogue within me and I absorb their contents better that way. Hence, I felt compelled to write this out.

I love it that we developed writing

And with it came the skill of reading

A habit that serves me well

To read from folks with things to tell

To take me out of my concerns

From trivialities in my presence

To see beyond such situations

To all the different permutations

Unlike audio to electronic screens

Reading speaks to me within

It cues and triggers mental images

I set the scenes I build the stages

Double back on certain pages

Dwell long and winding passages

From cover to cover it comes in stages

The whole message within the pages

21:21, 21.01.2021

I actually scheduled for this to be published 21:21hrs on the 21st January 2021. [Hence the title. Doink!] But nothing! I’m actually looking at the side panel that says it’d publish then. That’s almost a week ago. Oh well, WordPress.


Leave me alone before the fireworks burst

Before the hugs and the kisses, and all the best wishes

Just leave me the one glass and a half-filled carafe

And take yourself away to join all the rest

There’s probably numbers I can call

There’s people I can face

But I feel just so appalled

Every effort doomed to waste

I feel unfettered. But my mind’s all cluttered

I’m standing still. But feel unsettled

So many choices of how to be

So many options for just being me

I have no fitting character

For these circumstances

Nothing in the nether

Nothing in past tenses

Perhaps it’s time to invent a new person

Who’ll give form to this dysfunction

A shape from my imagination

And reboot myself as a work of fiction