It took me almost 8 years before I resumed this blog. It was a slow spiral downwards during most of those years. What got me through was my aversion to the doldrums I imagined behind the image of a person depressed being a person in the dark, doing nothing. So conversely, I decided to actively and aggressively avoid the cliche.
I was disenfranchised from family. So I started socialising more than a confirmed wallflower like me would ever have. And I found that folks who have no idea of my background or my baggage would take to me quite easily, and have me in their fold almost instantly. That eventually led to me taking my guitars out of their cases and getting the strings ready with the right action to rock. And it was a matter of time before I’d spend weekdays learning stuff for weekend jams at the various clubs and events I get invited to. I even got to have my own band. Nicrophenia.
And this was with a background of failing finances, fading funds and a barely progressing professional practice. But I had those moments on stage, no matter how fleeting, giving me enough of a rush to keep my nervous system balanced for other responsibilities along with their difficulties.
And things just kept getting worse. Soon I needed a new up to keep me going. This time it was going to be working on my physical self. So as the spiral winded further downwards, I started HIIT, jogging, understood ketosis, autophagy, even quit smoking after having started again a couple of years earlier.
And I feel to be in a better place than I’ve ever been. Have things got better around me? Not really. But my attitude towards them have. And with that, their nature transformed within my perspective. They’re no longer as intimidating. Nor are things as hopeless as they once appeared to be. Because I refuse to be helpless. And the first help I reached out for was from me.
I hear myself having to explain that ever so often. For instance, on vanity. I don’t know how vanity about personal looks could be a thing. I go about the days not knowing how I appear to others because I live behind my eyes. I do not know what I look like. And when I do get to look at an inverted image of myself in the mirror, I’d try to improve to look as good as I imagine the perfect passport photo would look like. The moment I leave the glance, I feel the forces around me shifting and crumpling things out of place. And I’d go on with only a past recent impression of what I look like, but can never be sure. Because I live behind my eyes. I do not see what others see about me.
When I realise that I am going against advice I dish out to others, it’s because I can only see others at fault. But not myself with the same fault. Because I live behind my eyes. I can see what I don’t like in the action of others. While being oblivious that I am prone to the same actions and expressions myself. When I come across self-improvement tips, a few names that could benefit from such knowledge easily come to mind. But I’m not on the list. Because I never see myself with similar shortcomings. Only others. Always others. Never me.
Watched a YouTube vid on Quantity over Quality. My personal reading of it would be about how to not just be overly concerned about always producing quality. But constantly produce quantity. Somehow the quality within will shine for itself. And of course, quantity sharpens the skills exponentially.
Along with that, I read about the infinite monkey theorem this morning. [Though I’m not entirely certain why I feel that relates to this.] And immediately it was STOP THE PRESS! Literally! And painted this out on my iPad without overthinking, double-guessing or just plain-assuming.
Ever had an epiphany of something you’ve known all along suddenly creeping out of your subconscious to tap on the conscious to remind you of itself? Mine most recent was in the form of a re-realisation how reading has allowed us to think, imagine, and get past our immediate surroundings. Even if we have constant connections to the outer world through electronic devices, we’d still be dealing with a mindset that’s formed and shaped by our immediate vicinity. Unless we expand our minds to what is available beyond. And best to me is with books. It brings about internal dialogue within me and I absorb their contents better that way. Hence, I felt compelled to write this out.